The Twilight Zone

What is this ghostly hour?
Some may say that this is the normal waking hour to prepare yourself for the working day; but those who know me may realise my earliest time of awaking is 7:12ish (more average - 7.40am)OK, I'm a compulsive liar (and none too good at it either) - lately more like 8am.

Gripped by sudden uncontrollable shuddering; the need to wail, to retch, to ball up; I don't realise I'm sobbing until my face is streaked with wetness.
I just hope they can't hear me.
At least I've made it past yesterday's hour - 3.30am. That was crazy. Chammy was still awake then, staying up all hours to finish an assignment.

Trying to wash my face, dad hears me.
"Do you realise its only a quarter past 5?"
"Yes" I mumble. "I can't sleep..."

Where are you sleep? Why are you hiding from me?
Please stop escaping me.
Stop ROBBING me of mana because I feel so tired, so distressed, so worried.
Could this be depression?
I look unhealthy. I spend my days at work in a daze. HAHA - what a pun. I hide from my family because I can't face their questions.
I have become a clam that has unintentionally encountered some superglue trouble.



Late last night I received a call from yet another concerned relative.
Somehow they can see that there is no direction in my life.

"So I heard you were thinking about becoming a pediatrician?"

(why do they have to blab? I'm an indecisive person, I only make major decisions or resolves once in a blue moon. If it disappoints me - the weight of my steel crushes me. My psyche simply can't commit to something that major at this moment in time.)

"I'm still thinking about it - it takes a long time and it costs a lot of money."
"So ask your dad to help you pay." comes the easy solution.

(I can't do that, I'm already spoilt enough - enough so that I have no idea what is required of me in the real grown up world. I'm just some sheltered spoilt kid who wallows in self misery without realising that there are so many issues of greater and more dire importance in the world)

"I'm still thinking about it...."

And that is my reply to everything.


I went to Karaoke on Sunday with Karens's honky friends, towards the end; someone chooses a song where these couples kiss, at first shyly, then a little more fervently. They all wear smiles on their faces.
Inside, something in me crumples. A severed nerve ending?

Perhaps one could erase memories by excessive alcohol intake. Is that why you do it Gumby? You did tell me once it was a necessity to keep you sane, but at the time i thought it was just a pity. A terrible way to knock yourself senseless.



I apologize for this is a terrible entry. I have so many more exciting happy events to write about, but then, would I be covering up my true emotions? What I'm feeling at this second of time?
Anyone could quite mistakenly think I was fine, and in fact they have. I have become a better actor than I give myself credit for.

On that note, I leave you with a glimpse of my latest nightmare. I quite believe that your waking dreams reveal what is weighing most heavily on your conscience, or maybe reflects how one feels.

This morning:- I was abandoned in a dark driveway of some hotel in the middle of nowhere. Darkness had enveloped the scene, it was mid-morning before the sun had risen. I could see the car lights streaking away, but i couldn't see the culprit. I screamed for them to come back to rescue me but it was too late...

Ode to the Living Dead (Secret Love)

I love yous whispered into ears well kissed
I love yous breathed lightly onto a face caressed
I love yous falling unto a deaf heart
Thus became my withered heart
Slowly weeping itself through eyes blinded
The blissful spring turns to its cruel wintry end
So try to wipe those useless tears, eat and drink
Wear the mask of merriment
The sun does not bring a new tomorrow
A mere continuation of an endless today
Where even a haunted sleep eludes me once more

I'm a shopaholic baby!

Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling...
Tell me baby, where did I go wrong?
I put my arms around every boy I see, it'd only remind me of you.
I went to the doctor and guess what he told me...guess what he told me...?
He said:- "Girl you'd better try to have fun no matter what you do!"
Well he's a fool.....


I love that song.
It surprised me to learn that Prince did the original; because no cover could be better.

Lately, I've turned to retail therapy. While it appalls me to have such a low bank balance, it brings me joy to own such pretty things which beckon for my attention.

Take the past few thursday nights for instance (not to mention weekends!)

Last week I went shopping with Aidy on Pitt St.
He managed to secure a cool lime green jumper (yay! a colour other than blue for once!); but I suspect there was only closure to the night once I'd went and bought something too.
It's unbalanced when you're the only person spending your precious hard-earned money.

We ended up in JB Hi-Fi - the bane to music/movie/game lovers. How can one resist near-dirt cheap DVD's that you couldn't help but watch countless times?

Once you delve into a film, or into a song - there's no coming back. My imagination takes me places that seem more exciting/ dangerous/ romantic and manifests itself in my vivid dreams.

So I ended up with:-
1. Dirty Dancing
2. The Breakfast Club, and (gasp! sween you boring bean)
3. The Terminal.

Each special in their own way.

The first to make me dance; the second to make me dance (oh Emilio - I love it when you punch and kick around whilst high on herbs) and the third to make me laugh.
To tell you the truth - I don't even KNOW where Khazhikstan is on the world map!

Tonight, I fulfilled my wish to get MORE shoes.
Suede Aqua flats to be precise. I've been eyeing them in the window of Zomp all season, and I've even tried them on before. No doubt Tina was sick of me just trying and not buying.
Ahhh - but you see - if you have a destiny with something - then its bound to happen.

Tina and I went into Myers and tried on half the dresses Cue had to offer.
I could tell the sales girl was all excited. We were her life size dress-up dolls and she had so many suggestions to make.
I left empty handed although my mind was lured by a gorgeous form-fitting black dress with buttons which would make any button-admiring person drool.
Incidentally, I purchased the same pair of sparkly heels from Chinatown as Tina on a separate occasion. Birds of a feather...??

Now I'm tired. I've just finished yet another quarterly instalment of MYOB for the parentals. Of whom I'm very proud in fact - they've proved that they CAN change their lifestyle for the better to include daily exercise and a better diet. I just hope it isnt' too late to rid them of their maladies.

Its always easier when you've got someone to motivate you by your side.

Thanks Daisy for being my swimming buddy....
I've learned that I can do it on my own but being blind as a bat I see nothing and am oblivious to all except the sensation of that chemically enhanced water sliding across my skin.

I am a pretend fish.

A slow one albeit.

It's past my bedtime and there is a long day ahead involving self-development plans for work. HELP!

Hopelessly devoted to you...

My head is saying, fool for-get it...
My heart is saying, don't let go-o-o-o...
Just hold on to the end...

Sound familiar? Heartache, hopeless addiction.

Stupid emotional songs.
grrrr.

But I do love Grease, no matter how many times I've seen the film, and suspiciously sung ALL the words to ALL the songs; I'll always sing them again and regain the fervent excitement to dance crazily at the end.

And I wanted to sing all the songs to you - but you were busy. Then my mood to sing was gone....

But if only one could dance all their problems away. The pure animalistic joy of moving your body to a beat and become one with the rhythm is something that is hard to beat.

There was a rather frenetic pace to my favourite day of the week.
An attempt at taking Daisy's precious new Corolla for a whirl (that didn't go beyond releasing the clutch and pressing the accelerator with near stalling effects), then venturing out to the Surry Hills markets with Daisy (yes - I kidnapped her!) Karen, Tina & Nicole.

We got to go to Lemon :) and I finally had the oh-so-tasty chicken salad, and I also managed to try some of Daisy's sweet potato bruschetta. mmmm.

I don't remember at which point in time we started talking about cartoons, but i REALLY want to see Toy Story again. A-ha! I was told that I remind someone of the little green 3-eyed aliens...they're just cuter than a red and white polka dot mushroom. *sigh*

Rush back to Engadine for a decidedly "asian" night in. Steam boat - a total feast; mah-jong - us "kids" were so slow we played 3 games in total, and of course > the legend that is Grease. We sang all the words and annoyed the hell out of Cam and Ivan. In fact, I recall Year 5 and year 6 birthday parties all being themed around the "Grease" soundtrack. Then when they re-released at the cinemas, Daisy, Chammy and I religiously followed.
We delighted ourselves in recapping/demonstrating/attempting BAD BAD 80's dance moves in the likes of MC Hammer, the running man e.t.c.

Last night was also a nice girly night, Tina Karen and I did a round in Hurstville - sushi train, DVD's and self-saucing chocolate pudding.
Wolf Creek was unbearably intense and cruel. There are sick crazy people in this world. I hope I never meet one.
Just Like Heaven. The Cure. SUCH good songs. Also predominantly featuring San Fransisco.
I left my heart.... in San Fransisco....
Being the gorgeous place that it is - it's no wonder that could happen!

M consulted me for haircut advice which I thought was sweet. It's great when a guy wants to get a REAL hairstyle. I seem to be ultra-perceptive to guys getting a new hairdo. So it was perfect because I had an excuse to find out where my guy friends with great hair got pampered.

Next time I would like a 20minute head massage! That would be so relaxing....

hmmm - why the sudden need to tell all on an inanimate website?
Its coz I am bottled up. I can't talk all of a sudden. It's scary.
My venting ear is gone....

broken shards reflect what should be hidden

sleep is a welcome break. But I can't escape because even in my dreams you are mean.
Stupid overactive hypothalamus.